Onion Report S3E7

Hey, this is Tommy Fucking Onions and I’m coming right at you with the latest Onion Report!

I know you’re going to ask, what happened to last week’s episode? Well, apparently the common cold combined with pneumonia happened and they would not let me record an episode from my hospital bed where I spent the better part of a week.

It was some backwater hospital that gave you two options per meal for an entree. I guess it was my diet? I don’t know. I watched so much television over the course of five days that it was insane. You would think I would be an expert on Marvel movies, Pirates movies, and Harry Potter by now. Cause I am.

Five days of frequent breathing treatments, iv antibiotics, injected steroids, and so on. You would think I was a science experiment from the way I was being injected and poked every day. Still, I suppose I did get better and did get to go home. I was still run down for about a week afterward and unable to do my normal things.

But now I’m back, baby, and I’m better than ever. Let’s review the upcoming shows and see what we can make of it!

After being in Canada for a few shows, we come back to the United States for the rest of the season. Vanguard is at the First Interstate Arena in Billings, Montana to be exact in a massive six match show that ends with us finding a new Valor champion since Abbigail Dresden is finished with the title.

We begin the night with a couple of debut stars as Elena Esposito takes on Vespertine in singles action. Elena is like the original wicked princess. She’s rich, she’s hot, and she’s sadistic as all get out. I don’t even know exactly why she wrestles except for the satisfaction of dealing out pain to her opponent in the ring. I mean she has Jimmy Jefferson that she fucks with on a daily basis, but maybe he isn’t enough to fuck with. She faces Vespertine. Not much is known about this chick except for hearsay. I heard she died and came back from the dead? That now she eats souls? I mean I could be wrong. She could just be train bait for gropers. No? I mean I wuld totally hit that. This should be a good match should Vespertine be able to hold off Elena’s sadistic side long enough to win the match.

The next match of the night is a bit of a replay from Vanguard with a new person thrown in for fun. Tracy Cage takes on Johnny Sniper who takes on Karlie Nash. Now Tracy Cage and Johnny SNiper met each other in the Conquest Chaos at the last Vanguard. Well, her stunt doubles and Johnny Sniper fought with Sniper coming out on top of the confrontation. Now he sees the real Tracy Cage in the ring and will get to know how tough she really is. To add to this is Karlie Nash. Now Karlie Nash is an American Professional Wrestler, Hockey Player, Reserve United States Conservation Officer, and Leader of the Minnesota Fundamentalist Church. Now if this isn’t a sign that she is a part of the Red Hat Brigade, I don’t know what is. Well, maybe not. I mean the Minnesota Fundamentalist Church really sounds like a cult. Is it a cult, Karlie? Do you have to live on the compound and give up all of your worldly possessions to the church and marry one of like five guys to produce babies for them? Or is this the other way around since you are listed as the leader of this cult. Milking kept men for their baby gravy while they do all of the chores around the compound…or are they chained to the bed until their dicks are needed to make babies or for idle pleasure? I think I’ve seen that movie! The guy was chained to the bed and his face was bruised as they beat and raped him on an as-needed basis. Sick. Where do I apply?

The third match of the night is a Tempest contendership title match as Zolothach takes on Tetsuo Oni IV. I don’t even know why this is a thing. I mean Zolothach nearly defeated both TetsuoOni IV AND Wicked Kat Hale on her own. Just because the rules were broken “somehow” doesn’t mean that Zolothach should have been penalized. You know? This should be a title match and not a contendership match.

The fourth match of the evening is another match that just shouldn’t happen. Gabriel Tuck takes on Frank Windsor. Frank was injured at the last show and just sicced his people to take down Gabriel. Yeah, I know Gabriel has been sucking up to Rob Riot, but that doesn’t make him a good person. He’s still a little thug wannabe who failed in injuring Madd Morales for me when it counted. Frank facing him in the ring is a whole lot like stepping on a bug. Gabriel is doomed from the bell being rung. My guy, Frank Windsor is gonna crush him.

The fifth match of the night is Wicked Kat Hale as she takes on Father Nathan in a non-title match. See now, this is another match that just doesn’t make sense. Hale should be defending her title against Zolothach while Tetsuo Oni IV is sacrificed against Father Nathan. Jesus Fucking Christ, I swear that I should be the booker for the company. Seriously, guys. We should start a petition to allow me to book a show. It would be money in the fucking bank, guys. I would have so many lingerie matches that grown men would bust a nut at home while watching. What? We don’t do those matches? FIne. I think it’s a missed opportunity, but fine.

The final match of the night is a Valor title scramble match that features five of the CWF stars. Miguel Lanza Jr, Iro Waters, Lady Lana Hill, Justin Windgate, and Monster Mammoth are all in the match. I mean on paper this looks like a match made for Monster Mammoth. I mean he is going to have to work with the fact that this is going to be a match settled under Valor or “pure wrestling” rules so no hardcore shenanigans. I mean the last one to win a Valor title scramble was Iro Waters so he, at least, knows how to win this type of match. This means I think that Monster Mammoth s going to target him in the match. This should be the most exciting match of the night with more twists and turns than you can shake a stick at.

And now we get to cover War Zone. It’s coming at you from the Ford Idaho Center in Nampa, Idaho. This is going to be one big potato show. You know, being that we’ll be in Idaho, the birthplace of the potato. What? Not the birthplace? Well, I mean when I buy my potatoes, the bag always says Idaho on it.

Well, let’s get to the first match of the night as Tarrasaque takes on Steve Murdock in a non-title match. I’m going to ask the question on this that I’m sure that everyone is thinking. Why is this a non-title match? Why isn’t this a Maelstrom title match? It’s sure ain’t that Steve Murdock is a coward. He would totally be down with a title match. So, this begs the question once again. Why isn’t this a title match? I should totally be the booker for this company, man. I’d be money!

The second match of the night is another non-title match for the ELite championship as Bit Luchador takes on Madd Morales. This one I happen to agree with that it should be a non-title match. I don’t know who the fuck this new guy thinks he is, but you don’t walk into a company and challenge a champion to any kind of a match. You get to earn the match. Now that the match has been accepted, if he wins the match I can see going ahead and doing a rematch and giving him a title shot, but is he really going to beat Madd Morales? I think the Airdevil is going to take him down and not break a sweat over it. I mean, I could be wrong, but I’m not.

Also, don’t think that Madd’s punk ass isn’t going to pay for what he did to me. I’m going to have him fucked up beyond all recognition. It’s just a matter of time, money, and someone to do it for me.

The third match of the night is an interesting one as Kara Reinhardt takes on Trelisa Perrault for a shot at the ELite championship. Trelisa showed herself a force to be reckoned with at the Conquest Chaos as she eliminated at least one person in the match I do believe. She certainly was scary as she leaped down a stairwell a couple of times to try to hit her finishing move. I know I wouldn’t have been doing that shit.

The fourth match of the night is Eddie Williams as he takes on Greg Salazar. Now, what’s the point in this match? I mean we are grooming Eddie to take on Kronin Reinhardt for the Conquest championship so I kinda get the fact that he should have some tough challenges ahead, but this? Eddie can take him down. I know he can. He knows he can. Ok, Eddie did recently lose to Steve Murdock, but the Hardcore Icon has been on roll since defeating Monster Mammoth at Shadow Warfare.

The fifth match of the evening is another non-title match. Seriously, is there ANY title matches this show? Oh the Valor title match. That’s it. Anyway. Abbigail Dresden takes on Kronin Reinhardt in a non-title Conquest match. This is to prep her too for the title match to come at Desperate Warfare when Kronin gets to face both Eddie AND Abbigail in the ring to try to keep his title. Doesn’t look good for Kronin.

The final match of the night is the most interesting of all as D takes on Rob Riot in what is yet another non-title match. D says that if Rob wants help that he is going to have to defeat D in the ring to get the help. If I were D, I wouldn’t be helping Rob Riot at all. I heard Rob went down to Atlanta to visit with D after Alyssa was stabbed by that bitch, Jasmine Minton. He only went down there, because he needed D. Not because of anything else.

But still, I suppose what Rob Riot needs is for the good of the company. So, maybe D should help. I don’t know. I’m just a journalist. I don’t take part in the affairs of wrestlers. Except for Madd Morales, because fuck that bitch. Like I did his mom.

Hey, before I go. I am getting representation to sue FaceTwatter in order to get my account back. If that orange-faced mother fucker can say whatever the fuck he wants and still keep his account active, I should be able to as well. It’s favoritism to the oversized oompa loompa that he gets to keep posting and I get the lifetime ban. Fuck that and fuck him. I’m getting my account back! I think we should do a petition for this too. Onion Nation Unite! Make me CWF’s booker and get me my FaceTwatter account back! I know that together, we can do it! Until next time, Onion Nation, I’ll be saving up my twats until I get my account back. Mass release imminent!