Talkin’ Crude 02




A gentle strumming guitar greets us as ‘‘Asshole’ By Denis Leary starts and a vivid swirling patterns fills the screen. Like a kaleidoscope acid flashback, green, orange, yellow and red circle and swirl in a hypnotic pattern as the legendary comedian’s voice greets us.

🎶 Folks, I’d like to sing a song about the American Dream.
About me, about you.
About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. 🎶

As the strumming guitar is joined by the raspy voice of Leary, this particular tune summed up the show, all too well.

🎶 About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts.
Maybe below the cockles.
Maybe in the sub-cockle area.
Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys.
Maybe even in the colon, we don’t know. 🎶

Posing that same question for some twenty-five plus years, Leary begins to sing…

🎶 I’m just a regular Joe with a regular job.
I’m your average white, suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor. 🎶

Picking up as the song does, the swirling pattern shows Tetsuo Oni winning a dark match from the very first Talkin’ Crude, footage from the Championship scramble is filtered in next including Donzig victorious as CWF’s first ever Champion.

🎶 My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar. 🎶

The melodic guitar picks up again as Leary intensifies alongside the action!

🎶 But sometimes, that just ain’t enough to keep a man like me interested! (Oh, no, no way, uh-uh!)
No, I gotta go out and have fun at someone else’s expense.
(Whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!) 🎶

Adrian Styles is shown taking candy from a baby as a horrified young mother looked on in disbelief.

🎶 I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane.
While people behind me are going insane! 🎶

LaDude is shown literally giggling as he backs up traffic for what has to be a mile as horns work their way through the song.

🎶 I’m an asshole! (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole! (He’s an asshole, such an asshole) 🎶

Styles emerges from a blue bathroom stall with a sick grin on his face as the song removes all doubt as to why.

🎶 I use public toilets, and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the Summer time, saying, “How about this heat?” 🎶

Both men are shown walking a sunny boardwalk in board shorts and Hawaiian shirts. Representing the show colours in green and yellow for Styles and red, orange and yellow for LaDude as they walk around with ice cream cones and sweater vest being as pretentious as that sounds.

🎶 I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (He’s the world’s biggest asshole) 🎶

As the song goes melodic once more, both men are shown in deep thought.

🎶 Maybe I shouldn’t be singing this song.
Ranting and raving and carrying on.
Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong…
Nah! 🎶

Before bursting through a giant paper banner that reads “ASSHOLE!”

🎶 I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (He’s the world’s biggest asshole) 🎶

Chanting and barking, Leary is frantic! Nostalgic for those 1990’s teens…

A-S-S-H-O-L-E ! Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E !

Transitioning to the set, we find ourselves focused on a raised set, with two single seats and a two-seater sofa. The hosts of our show sit side by side on the single seats. LaDude is smiling cheerfully, while Style’s face is fixed in a permanent sneer.


Joey LaDude – “Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Talkin’ Crude! We’re your hosts, Joey ‘The Dude’ LaDude and my broadcast partner, Adrian ‘Power’ Styles! Tonight’s we have something very special for you!”

Adrian Styles – “That’s right, LaDude! As revealed earlier today via FaceTwatter, The Benefactor has an announcement to make and will be talking to us exclusively here on Talkin’ Crude!”

Joey LaDude – “That’s a WORLD exclusive Styles! To date, nobody has ever seen The Benefactor! Rumor has it that even Laz has never actually met him!”

Adrian Styles – “And WE get the scoop LaDude! Not Lucchi or any of the other ‘On Air’ talent, but US! Just like the good old days!”

Joey LaDude – That’s right Adrian! That will be coming just a little later, along with the reveal of the CWF Tournament Brackets!”

Adrian Styles –“I was thinkin’, maybe we can host some of the Matches at the Warehouse with us doing the commentary… It’d be a good way to diversify our portfolio!”

Joey LaDude –“That’s not a bad idea, but first we need to talk about this past week we saw War-Zone air live from Bogotá, Distrito Capital in Colombia!”

Adrian Styles –“Nearly 11,000 people packed into the Movistar Arena and still not one God damned Talkin’ Crude T shirt was sold! We’re missing out on valuable merchandise fee’s by not monetizing our brand LaDude!”

Joey LaDude –“I hate to admit it, but you’re right! Although, that’s now a thing of the past…. Let me be the first to unveil…”


Joey LaDude – “Our very own, Talkin’ Crude Tee!”

Adrian Styles – “Holy shit! They really, did it? They made our Shirt?”

Joey LaDude – “They really did it, man! Available only on ShopCWF.com!”

Adrian Styles – “That’s amazing LaDude!”

Joey LaDude – “Hey, Styles… are you – Are you smiling?!”


Adrian Styles – “What? Smiling? No! Shut up LaDude!”

Joey LaDude – “I dunno Adrian, I’m pretty sure I saw a smile!”

Adrian Styles – “You’re about to see my dick smack you upside the head LaDude!”

Joey LaDude – “So we should get back to the show?”

Adrian Styles – “Yes, we should get back to the show.”

Joey LaDude – “And what a show it was! That Championship Scramble match?!”

LaDude dose a ‘Chefs kiss’ and grins at the camera.

Joey LaDude – “Amazing!”

Adrian Styles – “Ya know, you look like a real asshole when you do that, right?!”

Joey LaDude – “When I chef’s kiss?”

Adrian Styles – “When you breathe.”

Joey LaDude – “…Oh…”

Adrian Styles – “But you’re right. Great main event – But let’s not skip over the rest of the show.”

Joey LaDude – “You’re right.. The opening contest saw the Unique Mysterion take on Ken Howard in Howards CWF debut!”

Adrian Styles – “And this time Mysterion’s wore a shitty costume of that guy in the big hat!”

Joey LaDude – “If I’m honest Styles, I thought it was a pretty good costume of Abraham Lincoln.”

Adrian Styles – “Lincoln?! Oh… That makes sense. I thought he was being Slash!”

Joey LaDude – “The match saw Mysterion get yet another unlikely victory, this time by count-out.”

Adrian Styles – “This assholes luck HAS to run out soon, LaDude!”

Joey LaDude – “Then we saw Camron Creed with a Destructive win over Ultimate Destroyer!”

Adrian Styles – “It amazes me that something so big and vascular can be so useless. Impotence isn’t a joke folks!”

Joey LaDude – “Then, we saw an uncomfortable display of power and dominance as DemoniK returned to the CWF after it’s turn in IIW defending the LWA Legendary Championship!”

Adrian Styles – “That’s a lot of initials LaDude! I’m not sure I followed any of what you actually said! But you’re right – That mean looking bastard REALLY fucked up their day! Two on one is usually my favorite genre, but this just made me uncomfortable!”

Joey LaDude – “It was also Dane Morgan and Charles Hagan’s last chance on the main roster, both men having now been sent unceremoniously back to The Warehouse!”

Adrian Styles – “It’s not like they will be missed LaDude!”

Joey LaDude – “I agree Styles, neither managed to make an impact, unlike then next match which saw the double debut of Ravenna Vanderberg and Tetsuo Oni in what would be named Match Of The Week!”

Adrian Styles – “I wasn’t excited for this one, LaDude but I was actually impressed!”

Joey LaDude – “Both Tetsuo and Ravenna appeared backstage before their match getting ready for their debut, and it turned into a great match with a mix of styles! Tetsuo Oni managed to take the win and shook hands with Ravenna post-match, but the real story coming out of this one was the fact this was Vanderberg’s first match as a pro!”

Adrian Styles – “That is impressive! I still remember my first time, LaDude! It was a lot messier than this, much quicker, but I definitely came first!”

Joey LaDude – “That’s impressive, I didn’t even know you used to wrestle Styles, never mind getting a win in your debut!”

Adrian Styles – “Huh? I’ve never wrestled, what are you talking about?”

Joey LaDude – “Oh… Well, moving on to –“

Adrian Styles – “The Co-Main event!”

Joey LaDude – “No we had Ten Qu-“

Adrian Styles – “The Co-Main event! I told you LaDude, I’m not giving any of my airtime over to that bitch! She can’t even finish her show! Let’s face it she only got that spot because she blew Laz, I can do that!”

Joey LaDude – “You can- Sorry, what?”

Adrian Styles – “Huh?”

Joey LaDude – “Did you just say…”

Adrian Styles – “The Nightmare Court vs The Tarrasque and Donzig!”

Joey LaDude – “That’s right! The building rivalry between Tex Attwater and Tarrasque took on an interesting turn when Jack Tyde and Donzig were thrown into the mix!”

Adrian Styles – “This was unexpected LaDude! Tex was like a different man; he went much more willingly to go to the dark places previous matches had to drag him too!”

Joey LaDude – “And Tarrasque abandoned Donzig after the unexplained appearance of his onetime associate, Marcus Anderson! Tarrasque chased Armand from ringside and never returned! Whatever is happening between these men, Styles – I hope the rest of the roster manages to stay far away!”

Adrian Styles – “Then it was time for the Scramble!”

Joey LaDude – “The Scramble!”

LaDude again does a ‘Chefs kiss’.

Joey LaDude – “The match started as a simple one on one with CJ Walker and Marvolo 3 in the ring!”

Adrian Styles – “Impressively Marvolo managed to pick up the first win and the title before the third man had even made it to the ring!”

Joey LaDude – “CJ was unable to even the score with Marvolo; a theme that carried throughout the match, before Fenrir Ragnarsson hit the ring and decimated them both!”

Adrian Styles – “He took that title like it was his property!”

Joey LaDude – “Union Jack came out next and stopped CJ taking the title again!”

Adrian Styles – “I don’t think he understood the rules, LaDude.”

Joey LaDude – “I’ve talked to Jack backstage and I think there’s a lot he doesn’t understand, Styles.”

Adrian Styles – “But the team up between Jack and Marvolo was great! They worked well together!”

Joey LaDude – “But it was short lived, the next ‘person’ to the match was the team of Hump and Dump!”

Adrian Styles – “Dump dropped Jack from behind and they double teamed the LuchaBear! That is until Dinosaurio skipped the que and entered early to save his partner!”

Joey LaDude – “Bear-O-Dactyl chased Hump ‘n’ Dump to the back, effectively eliminating themselves from the match!”

Adrian Styles – “Then came Donzig!”

Joey LaDude – “That’s right! Donzig hit the ring like he knew exactly what he was doing, great gameplan!”

Adrian Styles – “The Heart Punch, if executed well, has always been considered one of the most dangerous moves in Wrestling… Well, Donzig took that to the next level with a Heart HEADBUTT… In a metal mask!”

Joey LaDude – “It was enough to keep Fenrir down and secure the title!”

Adrian Styles – “Tetsuo Oni made his way to the ring next, and Donzig seemed genuinely excited at the thought of doing battle with him!”

Joey LaDude – “It’s a rivalry in the making, Styles! These two men took one another to their limit and beyond! I am excited to see them cross paths again! This exchange saw Fenrir inserted into the mix and eventually eating a pinfall from Tetsuo that moved him into the championship spot.”

Adrian Styles – “The Tarrasque was set to entre next, but Nightmare Court had other ideas and attacked him on the entrance way!”

Joey LaDude – “Obviously they weren’t happy to have missed their chance at him in the tag match earlier in the evening!”

Adrian Styles – “They took him apart on the ramp!”

Joey LaDude – “Despite the punishment he took, Tarrasque was able to get to the ring eventually and do some real damage, but I have to imagine this attack was a big part of what cost Tarrasque any chance of winning this match!”

Adrian Styles – “CJ got busted open and pinned by Fenrir, but Nightmare Court hit the ring and turned their attention on him. The double team made quick work of Ragnarsson and Jack Tyde secured a pinfall!”

Joey LaDude – “This is where Tarrasque got involved and he was a real difference maker, decimating almost everyone!”

Adrian Styles – “Donzig used the Distraction to hit an Event Horizon on CJ and take the title again as we entered the final 30 seconds of the match – then attacked referee Scott Jones to prevent Tetsuo Oni securing the title!”

Joey LaDude – “I wonder if we can expect some fallout from that attack on War-Zone?”

Adrian Styles – “I think we could have, if CJ Walker had covered Marvolo 3 just a half second earlier than he did… because his pinfall attempt timed out thanks to a VERY slow count from Clyde Baxter! As the match ended, CJ had no idea if he had done enough or not – As it turned out he had covered Marvolo too late and Donzig became the first EVER Champion in CWF History!”

Joey LaDude – “Not only that, but he also skipped on to the second round of the Conquest Championship Tournament!”

Adrian Styles – “That’s right LaDude! War-Zone closed with Donzig celebrating, but now we know the order for the next show and, while he doesn’t have to compete in the Conquest Tournament, he does have to defend his championship this week!”

Joey LaDude – “That’s right, Styles. The previously Number One ranked Tex Attwater, has a shot at the CWF Valor Championship in a one on one Main Event Match with Donzig!”

Adrian Styles – “Just think, after this week Donzig could be the first ever and shortest reigning Champion in CWF History… and could STILL go on to win the Conquest Title!”

Joey LaDude – “Or Nightmare Court could BOTH become Champions in CWF!”

Adrian Styles – “The world would burn… Or Drown!”

Joey LaDude – “This show will be War-Zone: 03 – A Journey Of Conquest and we will see the start of the Conquest Championship Tournament to not only crown the first CWF Champion, but also the Champion of Season One!”


Adrian Styles – “All these round one matches will happen this week, and I can’t wait LaDude – Especially for Mysterion Vs DemoniK!”

Joey LaDude – “Yea… That feels like a real mismatch! Mysterion seems like a sweet innocent who enjoys dressing up and DemoniK is… well, DemoniK!”

Adrian Styles – “I know! I can’t wait!”

Joey LaDude – “Well folks, it looks like it’s time for the moment I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for. I have just got word that the mysterious owner of CWF, The Benefactor is here to reveal himself! Without further adieu please bring on – The Benefactor!”

As LaDude gestures toward the steps the camera cuts to a wide angle to show The Benefactors entrance… Instead, the Screen flickers and shows a live feed of a darkened room with ‘someone’ sat in a chair, their features obscured.


The Benefactor – “Thank you, Gentlemen.”

The heavily electronically modulated voice startled LaDude and Styles, who turn to the screen in shock.

Adrian Styles – “Wait, I thought you were gonna be here?!”

Joey LaDude – “And I thought we were going to find out who you were?!”

The Benefactor – “Why, what on earth gave you that idea?”

An electronically modulated chuckle emits from the screen.

The Benefactor – “I simply advertised that I would reveal myself to make an announcement…”

Adrian Styles – “That’s some bullshit!”

Joey LaDude – “Then if you’re not actually here, and not revealing your identity to the CWF… What was the point of all this?!”


The Benefactor – “Quite simply, there have been several issues these last few weeks regarding CWF Funds… Primarily involving the Performance Based Bonus from our Pilot show, unfairly awarded by Joey Lazarus to himself… Couple this with the copious amount of signing bonuses that have reportedly gone unreceived by CWF Talent despite being paid out and various discrepancies in the books, and it seems there is some issue within CWF which has been compounded by my absence.”

Joey LaDude – “Are you saying somebody is stealing money from CWF?”

The Benefactor – “I am saying there are as yet unexplained discrepancies in our accounts, which I fully expect to find an explanation for.”

Adrian Styles – “See LaDude! I knew we were worth more than Lazarus is paying us!”

Joey LaDude – “So… What next?!”

The Benefactor – “I’m glad you asked! Next – This week, I will be sending a representative of mine to War-Zone with the express intent of discovering exactly how deep the rabbit hole goes. With this new CWF Executive, I assure you no stone will be left unturned.”

Joey LaDude – “New Executive? You’re saying this is a new part of the management team? Will She be working with Lazarus? Who are they? What is their name?!”

The Benefactor – “I’m afraid this isn’t the right time for names, but for now you can simply use the title – The CWF CFO… And Laz will answer to Her!”

The screen cuts off and LaDude and Styles look equally surprised.

Joey LaDude – “Wow! A new CWF executive… And SHE is going to be Joey Lazarus’ boss!”

Adrian Styles – “I’ve always liked being told what to do by a strong woman LaDude! I wonder who she is?”

Joey LaDude – “Well, we won’t have to wait long to find out!”

Adrian Styles – “Hey, was it just me or… was he a real a dick?”

Joey LaDude – “Well, he seems a bit cocky, but I don’t think I’d call him a dick.”

Adrian Styles – “No LaDude… I mean it was a literal dick.”

Joey LaDude – “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Styles. Anyway, Ladies and Gentlemen, that was this week’s show. Tune in to War-Zone this week for the start of the CWF Conquest tournament and to find out who the new CWF CFO Is! And remember…. Join The Conquest!”