Talkin’ Crude 01




‘‘Asshole’ By Denis Leary hits and the vivid swirling patterns fills the screen. We are shown shots of CWF wrestlers brawling on War-Zone.

As the video fades away, we find ourselves focused on a raised set, with two single seats and a two-seater sofa. The hosts of our show sit side by side on the single seats.

As the theme song continues to roll, the two men appear to be talking to one another, but as if on que they turn to face the camera as the sound fades. LaDude is smiling cheerfully, while Style’s face is fixed in a permanent sneer.



Joey LaDude – “Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Talkin’ Crude! We’re your hosts, I am Joey ‘The Dude’ LaDude and this is my broadcast partner, Adrian ‘The Jackhammer’ Styles! On tonight’s show we take a look at the first official episode of Waz-Zone aired exclusively on the Legendary Wrestling Alliance and preview next week’s episode!”

Adrian Styles – “Don’t forget the boss, LaDude!”

Joey LaDude – “That’s right! We also have a guest appearance from the CWF General Manager himself; Joey Lazarus, with an EXCLUSIVE just for us!”

Adrian Styles – “I can’t fuckin’ wait to see the Boss, LaDude! There’s a few issues with our contract that really need ironing out!”

Joey LaDude – “Well, now we know we’ve been picked up by the LWA I’m sure anything like that can be resolved easy enough.”

Adrian Styles – “It had better be Joey.”

Joey LaDude – “Speaking of our new status as a signed, green lit company, can we take a moment to talk about the AMAZING turnout for War-Zone?! Our first official show and we manage to sell out The Luna Park Stadium! That’s 10,000 people who showed out in force to see the Conquest begin!”

Adrian Styles – “That’s part of my issue Joey! Did you notice there wasn’t a SINGLE fuckin’ T-shirt for Talkin’ Crude anywhere in that crowd?! And you know why? I’ll tell ya! There aint none! That’s right! No fuckin’ merch WHAT-SO-FUCKIN’-EVER! What kinda soppy cunt missed that one, eh? No merchandise ANYWHERE! Not even a fuckin’ sign, even though we don’t get a percentage of signs, did you know that?! We own the trademark on the Talkin’ Crude brand, but those arseholes in the crowd can use it and we don’t get a dime!”

Joey LaDude – “I’ll be honest Adrian, I’m not exactly sure how you expect to take a percentage of a fan made sign?”

Adrian Styles – “And now you sound like those fuckin’ nerds in legal! ‘You can’t charge a fee for fan made signs.’ ‘You can’t expect people to pay royalties when they swear just because you do.’ ‘You can’t invoke Prima Nocta.’ ‘Just because it’s called The Conquest doesn’t mean you can declare yourself King of South America.’ Pussies, the lot of ya! Believe me Joey, I’ll find a way! You’ll see.”

Joey LaDude – “That doesn’t sound like a fight you can win, Adrian.”

Adrian Styles – “That’s what they said about Betty White, LaDude, and you had better believe that bitch got her’s!”

Joey LaDude – “Wait… Are you saying you had a fight with Betty White?!”

Adrian Styles – “HAHA! Nice try LaDude! I’m far too sober to break that particular NDA!”

Joey LaDude – “Ooookay… Well with that, on Episode One of War-Zone, live on the LWA Network, we found out that CWF and Joey Lazarus came to a deal with the previous owners of the abandoned warehouse in Rio de Janeiro where we held our pilot episode, and that now Conquest owns the building!”

Adrian Styles – “Apparently it’s gonna be turned into a trainin’ facility. I just hope Laz didn’t pay too much for it, the place was a real fuckin’ dump!”

Joey LaDude – “There was talk about brining trespassing charges against the company, and apparently with the sale those charges have now been dropped… That makes whatever they paid worth it in my book!”

Adrian Styles – “Oh come on LaDude, we all know you’d enjoy a deep cavity search from the calloused hands of some corrupt Brazilian caralho.”

Joey LaDude – “It always amazes me despite barely speaking English, you manage to curse in every language.”

Styles shrugs.

Adrian Styles – “When in Rome.”

Joey LaDude – “Then Conquest’s very own General Manager made his way to the ring with an announcement left over from our pilot episode!”

Adrian Styles – “That’s right! Laz came out to reveal the direction Conquest would be moving in and he started out by announcing that the CWF Valor title belt would be on the line in a Championship Scramble Match this week on War-Zone!”

Joey LaDude – “While there hasn’t been an official announcement regarding that match, there are rumors that the open title opportunity has drawn interest from talent outside of CWF!”

Adrian Styles – “How the hell does that work? Free Agents having the chance to just walk in and become the first EVER Champion in CWF?”

Joey LaDude – “I honestly have no idea, but I imagine it puts them in a VERY strong negotiating position if Laz wants to sign them to a contract and get the title back inside the promotion!”

Adrian Styles – “Should just wait until the assholes announce it on their social’s are about to walk out, then tell ‘em if they wanna work they will sign immediately. Get them for the bare minimum and nail them down for the entire season!”

Joey LaDude – “Nothing like a happy workplace, eh Styles?!”

Adrian Styles – “Don’t be a cunt, Joey. You sound like a millennial.”

Joey LaDude – “Thanks pal! Then of course we found out who won the performance bonus as promised by Laz on our Pilot episode and, no real surprises here, it went to Laz himself!”

Adrian Styles – “Even I can’t agree with that LaDude. I think we all know I should have won that one. A few lines and a little blue pill, I out perform everyone. You know, you’ve seen it! Eiffel Tower!”

Styles holds a hand up in the air and LaDude reluctantly high fives him.

Joey LaDude – “Once Laz left, we had our first match of the evening as ‘Dashing’ Davin Dump took on Pequeño Dinosaurio!”

Adrian Styles – “If I’m honest LaDude I prefer his tag partner, Union Jack, but this was a solid match, and I was pleased to see the Dinosaur win! That little Mexican fella can really move, and he caught Dump completely off guard!”

Joey LaDude – “That surprises me Styles, I thought you’d be a fan of Hump n Dump!”

Adrian Styles – “Why? Because their name is my life motto? No way LaDude, they are too much like competition, but Dinosaurio resembles one of those plastic tentacle’s you see on Lonely Fans.”

Joey LaDude – “Of course the rivalry that started between these two teams on our Pilot show looks to be FAR from over with Hump n Dump brutally attacking Dinosaurio after the bell!”

Adrian Styles – “It’s lucky Jack was so fast to the ring with that Steel Chair, or it could have been really bad for the little guy!”

Joey LaDude – “I’m sure Laz will be quick to capitalize on the building tensions between these two teams.”

Adrian Styles – “And ride it all the way to the fuckin’ bank! KA-CHING!”

Styles makes an Arm pump as he ‘Ka-Ching’s!’

Joey LaDude – “Then we saw the in ring debut of Dane Morgan as he took on The Mysterious Mercenary, Mysterion!”

Adrian Styles – “Now, this prick, I hate! He was dressed as Winnie The Pooh! Winnie The Fuckin’ Pooh, LaDude… What the fuck was that about?”

Joey LaDude – “Well, it was Winnie The Pooh day on the 18th Adrian, Mysterion was wearing it to celebrate A.A. Milne’s birthday.”

Adrian Styles – “Yeah, but the 16th is Martin Luthor King Jr Day, wasn’t it LaDude? Why didn’t he dress as him? I’ll tell ya why shall I? Political Correctness gone mad!”

Joey LaDude – “Are you saying Mysterion should have dressed as Martin Luthor King for a wrestling match?”

Adrian Styles – “Exactly! Or is he afraid of the ‘Woke brigade’?”

Joey LaDude – “Adrian… You do know Dr. King called for change through non-violence, right? It isn’t about political correctness, it just wouldn’t have been appropriate to show his likeness fighting.”

Adrian Styles – “Erm.. Eh.. Oh… What?!”

Joey LaDude – “Adrian, did you think this was about race?!”

Adrian Styles – “Well it’s just… You know…”

Joey LaDude – “We don’t even know what color Mysterion is. You should take a long hard look at yourself.”

Adrian Styles – “And you… eh… Oh just fuck off LaDude. You’re a real prick!”

Joey LaDude – “Sorry, did you want it to be about race?”

Adrian puts his hand on his chest, covering his microphone.

Adrian Styles – *muffled* “Shut the fuck up! We’re supposed to be on the same side!”

LaDude shrugs and turns back to the camera.

Joey LaDude – “Anyway, the match saw an unexpected victory for Mysterion who, despite impaired vision due to wearing an oversized mascot head, managed to pick up an impressive victory over an opponent who, on paper at least, had far more skill and experience than our resident masked enigma!”

Adrian Styles – “I honestly thought this one would go no more than 10 seconds. I’d be surprised if Morgan ever shows his face in the CWF locker room again!”

Joey LaDude – “Then we saw what was without a doubt the shortest match of the night when Charles Hagan took on ‘The Cream Of The Crop’ Camron Creed!”

Adrian Styles – “A thumb to the eye followed by The Crop Cutter! Creed was looking to make up for the crushing defeat by DemoniK on our Pilot episode and he did so with style!”

Joey LaDude – “Then we went to Ten Questions with Aly..”

Adrian Styles – “No!”

Joey LaDude – “Sorry, what?!”

Adrian Styles – “We aint talkin’ about her. That bitch is the competition. No free advertising, LaDude!”

Joey LaDude – “Adrian, we all work for CWF!”

Adrian Styles – “Yea well, once upon a time I had my own interview suite for in show punditry and now I’m reduced to this; a mid-week talk show with no live audience. Fuck that. She gets none of our air time. And if she continues not making it through her fuckin’ segment without finishing her ten questions, maybe I get MY show back!”

Joey LaDude – “I dunno, Adrian. The drama she provided was one of the talking points on the show! Did you see how..”

Adrian Styles – “No! Stop trying to slip your observational tip in, LaDude! This is a no go my friend, it aint my first prom and my punch hasn’t been spiked!”

Joey LaDude – “Fine. Then can we talk about Ultimate Destroyer Vs Jack Tyde?!”

Adrian Styles – “Of course we can! I love Destroyer! And it was a great match!”

Joey LaDude – “A great match?! He attacked Eric Wilson before the match got started!”

Adrian Styles – “And got kicked in the bollox for his troubles!”

Joey LaDude – “Repeatedly!”

Adrian Styles – “Exactly! But still, Destroyer’s staggering size advantage was nearly enough to turn the tide and secure him the win!”

Joey LaDude – “HA! I see what you did there!”

Adrian Styles – “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Joey LaDude – “You said tide and his opponent was… Oh, never mind.”

Adrian Styles – “Hey, I have a joke about Ultimate Destroyer… Wanna hear it?!”

Joey LaDude – “Eh… I mean, sure… As long as it’s ok to air? I know we get away with a lot on this show Adrian but, please… remember the sponors.”

Adrian Styles – “Okay. Ready?… What do Ultimate Destroyer and my dick have in common?”

LaDude visibly grimaces.

Joey LaDude – “I don’t know, Adrian… What do they have in common?”

Adrian Styles – “They’re both green and nobody really knows why!”

Joey LaDude – “Maybe you should ask him?”

Adrian Styles – “Are you kidding? I’m not showing him my dick! He’s big, green and angry! He’d tear off my head and floss with my esophagus!”

Joey LaDude – “I mean, Destroyer! Maybe you should ask him why he’s green!”

Adrian Styles – “Don’t you pay attention LaDude?! He’s green because he was involved in a nuclear accident!”

Joey LaDude – “But you said…”

Adrian Styles – “I know what I said, Joey! But it was a joke, not my dick! Don’t take it, well, ya know… without washing the green stuff off first.”

Joey LaDude – “You know, you really should speak to a doctor about that.”

Adrian Styles – “Oh sure, I’ll do that, and while I’m at it I’ll get a t-shirt that says ‘I came to South America and all I got was Prescription Meds and this lousy T-Shirt!’ You’d love that wouldn’t you, you fuckin’ narc!”

Joey rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

Joey LaDude – “And that brings us to our main event, but first a word from our sponsors.”



Adrian Styles – “God Damn! Who was she?!”

Joey LaDude – “She was just a model, Adrian!”

Adrian Styles – “Do we get a trial membership? Any discounts?”

Joey LaDude – “No Adrian, it’s an advertising ploy. Nothing more. Now in War-Zone’s main event we saw the rematch between Tarrasque and Tex Attwater!”

Adrian Styles – “These two kicked the ever loving shit out of one another!”

Joey LaDude – “That’s hardly surprising! After that first match at our Pilot show ended in a draw, there was probably some real bad blood, a little mutual respect and a burning desire to prove themselves! Both Tex and Tarrasque are renowned brawlers and they left it ALL in the ring!”

Adrian Styles – “Well, they didn’t leave it ALL in the ring! There was a good amount at Ringside too!”

Joey LaDude – “I guess you’re right. Either way, this match saw Tarrasque’s manager Armond Von Kraus ordered to stay in the back and the two heavy hitters of CWF went at it in a real back and forth with Tex Attwater eventually toppling The Beast in what has now been named by The Wrestling Watchers Alan Seltzer as the ‘Match Of The Week!’”

Adrian Styles – “It’s hardly surprising! These two tore one another apart, bent a solid steel trellis in two with a power bomb on the time keepers table!”

Joey LaDude – “The match ended when Attwater somehow got The Beast up onto his shoulder and hit a huge Death Valley Powerslam known as The Peacekeeper to put Tarrasque away!”

Adrian Styles – “Even then, the big man kicked out JUST after the three! And Tarrasque walked away from the ring, refusing medical help for his obviously broken nose.”

Joey LaDude – “I don’t think it will be long before these two men again cross paths in a CWF ring and, when they do, Mr. Lazarus had better do something big to ensure the action is contained within!”

Adrian Styles – “It was one hell of a first show LaDude, hopefully the big wigs at LWA were impressed and extend our contract!”

Joey LaDude – “Well, that’s something we can talk about with our guest, Joey Lazarus! Laz, come on up!”

The camera pans wider as Lazarus walks up the steps and onto the stage. His suit is meticulously pressed and his trademark glasses glint in the studio lights. A small smirk touches his lips, and he takes his seat next to LaDude.



Joey LaDude – “Mr. Lazarus, it’s great to have you as our first guest on this new version of Talkin’ Crude! Thank you for coming.”

Joey Lazarus – “Thank you for having me, Joey. Adrian, it’s good to see you.”

Adrian Styles – “If you replace that crock of shit 10 Questions with us, you could see us all the time!”

Joey Lazarus – “I could, couldn’t I? But then, I’d have to see you all the time.”

Laz smirks.

Joey LaDude – “Laz, last week you announced a Championship Scramble Match for the Valor title. No details have been revealed as yet… Can you tell us anything about the match?”

Joey Lazarus – “Oh, I guess I can do that. First, the match will be open to anyone who contacts me regarding a spot. It will continue, despite pinfalls or submissions, until the time limit has elapsed, at which time the first official and recorded Champion will be announced. Should the current Champion, or rather title holder, find themselves in a situation where they are disqualified, they will be stripped of the title; in keeping with the Valor division rules, and it will once again become Vacant.”

Joey LaDude – “Wait… You mentioned the Valor Division Rules… What exactly does that mean?”

Joey Lazarus – “Ah yes. The Valor Championship will be defended under its own set of rules. Any ‘non stipulation’ match will mean that Valor Rules are in place. This means that pinfall and submission victories are required to capture the title. There are no count outs, but victory must happen in the ring. The title will change hands in the event of a Disqualification… And the Champion MUST be ready and able to defend the title each and every week.”

Joey LaDude – “Wow… So you’re saying whoever wins the title at War-Zone will defend the title again a week later.”

Joey Lazarus – “That is correct. Not only that, but they will be required to defend the title even if it means having two matches on the same show. OR at House Shows. The Valor Champion will stand out among his or her peers as a true working Champion and they are forbidden from turning down a challenge no matter who it comes from!”

Joey LaDude – “So what if the Champion is already booked in a non-title match?”

Laz grins

Joey Lazarus – “Then that would be a splendid time to challenge, wouldn’t you say?!”

Joey LaDude – “I’d say that’s a pretty cheap tactic…”

Adrian Styles – “Cheap as a retired hooker in need of bus fare! I like it!”

Lazarus laughs.

Joey Lazarus – “Quite.”

Joey LaDude – “Now, if we could just address this past episode of War-Zone? You shocked the fans and enraged the locker-room by awarding yourself the $25,000 Performance Bonus you promised on our Pilot Episode… How can you justify something like that?”

Joey Lazarus – “Justify?!”

Laz laughed.

Joey Lazarus – “I don’t have to justify anything to anyone. Least of all you, LaDude. The fact is I promised a cash reward to the most impressive person signed to a CWF Contract and, while the lazy reprobates who fill our locker room may not like it, that includes me and, I think it goes without saying, I am by far the most impressive person in CWF to date.”

Joey LaDude – “But you know that isn’t the way your offer came across.”

Adrian Styles – “And what was the point of awarding yourself your own money?”

Joey LaDude – “Which brings up another very valid point… Was the bonus out of your own money, or was it in fact provided by the true owner of CWF, The Benefactor?”

Joey Lazarus – “The Benefactor?!”

Laz bristles.

Joey Lazarus – “Do you see this ‘Benefactor’ here today, LaDude? Do you see ANYONE putting in the work that I am?!”

Joey LaDude – “Well… No.”

Joey Lazarus – “Exactly. I do not have to explain to you or ANYONE else just where the money to start CWF came from. It doesn’t matter if it was from this so called mysterious Benefactor… There is NO secret owner, no investor, no partners or board of directors, no higher power… When it comes to CWF the buck stops HERE! I am the alpha, the omega… I am your GOD and don’t you dare forget it!”

Laz gets to his feet, pulling off his microphone and tosses it angrily at LaDude.

Joey Lazarus – *muffled* “Remember who you’re talking too, or you’ll be back to your god damned pod cast before you know it!”

Adrian Styles – “Wait Laz!”

Adrian leaps to his feet and grabs Laz by the arm..

Adrian Styles – “I wanted to ask-“

Suddenly, Kestas appears as if from nowhere, palming Adrian’s face. He shoves him as hard as possible, sending the DIC flying over his seat, toppling it and slamming over the top and to the ground with a thud. LaDude, shocked, shrieks. Lazarus and Kasuba storm off of the Talkin Crude set and the camera focuses on LaDude.

Joey LaDude – “Eh…. We are going to take this opportunity to see some in ring action from a recent tryout at a House show held in our exclusive Rio Arena, the CWF Warehouse! We’ll be right back after this impressive showing from new CWF talent, Tetsuo Oni!”



We switch to the CWF Warehouse on Rio de Janeiro. A masked man is center ring. His midnight blue tights and blue combat sleeves are in stark contrast to the Warehouse, but it’s the blue on black Japanese demon mask that really set’s him apart.

Ben Price – “Tetsuo Oni has cleared house! He is firmly in control!”

A larger man with a painted face rushes Tetsuo, who ducks the clothesline with ease. He grabs the arm, twists it to apply pressure and force compliance, then rushes the turnbuckles and quickly pounces onto the tope rope.

Eddie Vega – “Gravedigga’ being manhandled like a child! How the hell does someone that big get moved around that easily?!”

Tetsuo moves with impressive speed, walking out across the rope with confidence. A quick flourish and he drops, springboards off of the ropes and performs an arm drag, hurtling Gravedigger into the ropes.

Eddie Vega – “Do somethi-“

In a display of blistering speed, Tetsuo cuts Eddie off as he hits Gravedigger with a clothesline of his own,  sending him over the top and to the outside.

Ben Price – “Gravedigger has been eliminated!”

Tetsuo turns back toward the action.

Ben Price – “Kevin Thunder still down in the corner, but Matt Young is making his way back into the outside after Gravedigger’s piledriver on the ring apron!”

Eddie Vega – “I didn’t think it was going to matter that he went through the middle rope, there was no way I thought he’d be back in this match!”

Tetsuo backs up a step or two, allowing Young to return to the ring and retake his feet.

Eddie Vega – “What the hell is he doing?!”

Ben Price – “I believe he is showing honor and respect by letting his opponent back in the ring!”

Eddie Vega – “Honor don’t win matches, Price!”

As Young is back up, he starts to circle. Tetsuo mirrors his opponents’ movements. Matt throws a kick to the calf of Tetsuo, causing a flinch, and he shoots for a takedown. The double leg takes and, after a brief struggle, the slightly bigger Matt Young lifts Tetsuo and rushes him into the corner, slamming him back first into the turnbuckle.

Ben Price – “Matt Young trying to wrestle Tetsuo Oni over the top rope!”

Eddie Vega – “Oni has hooked his arm over the rope and locked his legs around Young’s waist! He’s bringing Young to the outside with him!”

Both men roll over the top rope and land on the apron. The struggle, neither wanting to fall and cause their own elimination.

Ben Price – “Kevin Thunder is slowly getting back to his feet in the hopes he can capitalize!”

Eddie Vega – “All it’d take is one little shove!”

Thunder pulls himself to his feet, but it’s too late as Tetsuo manages to get under the bottom rope and somehow drags Young with him.

Ben Price – “Young managed to hold on long enough to force his opponent to save them both!”

Eddie Vega – “Smart move, now he needs to do somethin’ about it!”

Both men get to their feet. While occupied by one another Thunder starts to climb the ropes.

Ben Price – “Thunder may be looking for the Thunder Forearm!”

Eddie Vega – “If he manages to hit that, the match is over!”

Tetsuo grabs Young from behind, locking in a half nelson. Thunder lines up his attack, ready to come down on Tetsuo from behind. Suddenly, Tetsuo drops his center of gravity and explodes from the hips, throwing Young backward with extraordinary height.

Ben Price – “OH MY- “

Young slams into the top turnbuckle, wiping Thunder’s legs from under him. Thunder lands hard on the ring post, then on top of Young who has come down prone on the top rope. Both men topple to the outside.

Ben Price – “-GOD! Tetsuo Oni just eliminated both men with a shocking Half Nelson Suplex which he has dubbed The Ring Toss!”

Eddie Vega – “I have NEVER seen someone have that much power out of a suplex, Price!”
 
DING, DING, DING!!!

Eric Wilson – “The Winner of this match… TETSUO ONI!!!!!”



Back on the Talkin’ Crude set, Adrian Style’s has retaken his seat. He looks a little worse for ware, with blood running from his nose and smeared over his cheek, strangely he looks more annoyed than ever.



Joey LaDude – “That was Tetsuo Oni with an extremely impressive display during a House show this weekend. Adrian, he managed to overcome ten other men in that battle royal!”

Adrian Styles – “What? And I’m supposed to give a fuck about that?! Did you see what that asshole did to me LaDude?!”

Joey LaDude – “Yea, I saw it Adrian.”

Adrian Styles – “Yea, well you wasn’t exactly quick with the assist, was ya?!”

Joey LaDude – “There was no sense us both getting our asses handed to us.”

Adrian Styles – “I only wanted to ask about us getting a run at Ten Questions! She’s not exactly making the most of the spot, is she?!”

Joey LaDude – “But, Adrian… You grabbed the boss. What did you expect The General to do?!”

Adrian Styles – “Don’t excuse the prick, LaDude. What do I expect? I expect him to suck my dick and BEG for my forgiveness.”

Joey LaDude – “He’s gonna beg for forgiveness? From you?”

Adrian Styles – “Yea, just you wait. Next time I see him I’ll… I’ll…”

Joey LaDude – “You’ll what?”

Adrian Styles – “Well… I don’t wanna give it away just yet. But it’ll be messy, I promise you that much!”

Joey LaDude – “Well, with that, that’s all we have time for this week. Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for listening to us Talkin’ Crude. I’ve been Joey LaDude, he’s been Adrian Styles and remember… Keep it Crude!”