Onion Report S3E8

Hey! Hey! This is Tommy Fucking Onions and I’m right at ya with another Onion Report!

I just thought I would share an update with you all, my faithful Onionites. I have legal representation! I have retained the services of Hammond Law. We will be suing FaceTwatter for permanently banning me. I’m going to be suing for a few million in pain and suffering as well because I could have been posting so much shit-talking, but I was freaking banned! Just because I said that this bitch wasn’t a bitch as that would be an insult to female dogs…it doesn’t mean I need to be banned. Yes, I know. Third strike and all, but this is a social media site, not a baseball game. These fucks don’t seem to know the difference. When I finish them, they will be intimately acquainted with the difference.

Before I get into the new cards, I want to discuss what happened at the end of the last War Zone. The rise of the nKo. It was horrible. Why would these people follow Armand von Krauss when they clearly saw what happened to the Marquis de Harlequin and Katya Karnavalka when they failed to defeat Bad Company for the tag team titles. It’s like playing with Roman candles. Just not a good idea at the best of times. Still, as far as things go. This is looking like a fairly strong team as the core being the Homixide Gang and being lead/inspired by Abigail Dresden, I think they will go far. We also have Lady Lana Hill and Treslia Perrault. I could see the Bastards being dethroned as the 4WW Legion champions here if DPW doesn’t beat them to it. I think this means that Armand’s war against Rob Riot is going to be heating up real soon. I mean Rob took what was basically Armand’s son in the form of Gabriel Tuck and Armand has now temporarily taken Abigail Dresden. Of course, Armand got the better of the deal here so we will see how things pan out.

Ok, now on to the shows to come. We begin with Vanguard at the Broadmoor World Arena in Colorado Springs. It’s a nice little arena. Will it contain the chaos to come? That remains to be the question.

We start the night out with a debut star in the form of Samael Drago as he takes on Mysterion. Who will Mysterion be? No one knows. Now this also begs the question of who is Samael Drago? I mean, I have heard of him before from the WSE old shows. Sort of after the fact kind of thing. But he claims to be the avatar of Wrestling. I think he can do it, but let’s see him in action against Mysterion first before we make any predictions. I have been wrong before, but don’t tell no one that. I want it to be our little secret.

Then we get another debut of a fellow who has been on CWF tv before in the last cycle in the form of Terry Martel. I mean with parents like his, who isn’t expecting him to come in with a bang? I mean ok, I’m glad that I didn’t wind up being his dad as I did give his mom the old heave ho back in the day. The old Sherry Martel wasn’t one to turn down a good cream pie if you know what I mean. It’s a shame that she passed, but her kid looks interesting enough. He takes on Jonny Sniper, who hasn’t had the best of luck since entering into the CWF. Some of it might be my fault since I did pay him to bust up Madd Morales. I mean is it my fault that Monster Mammoth got into things as well and double teamed him? Ok, maybe a little bit. I’m sure that Sniper can find himself a tag team partner and take on the Homixide Gang to teach them a lesson.

Then we get to the time in the evening where it’s fine to go to the bathroom or to go get more nachos and beer as the Landersons take on eNVy. I’m sure that this will be a fine match. Really. eNVy is going to wipe the floor with the would be luchadors so quickly that it won’t even be funny. The Landersons have some speed and skill going into this so I suppose they might be able to hold their own going into this. They just…seem to be so familiar to me though. I’m not sure what interest that Armand has in Vespertine and Karlie, but I’m almost certain that it can’t be a good thing.

The fourth match should be interesting as Elena Esposito, the rich bitch, takes on the littlest turncoat in Lady Lana Hill. I was pretty dang shocked at seeing Lady Lana join up with Armand von Krauss and even more shocked when she knocked Ben Price the fuck out. Who will come out the worse in this match? Elena and her spoiledness or Lady Lana with her new darkness? I will be watching this match closely. I mean mostly for the risk of a nip slip, but you know…to see who will win. Nip slip.

The fifth match of the evening will be the actress, Tracy Cage, as she takes on Tetsuo Oni IV. This should be an exciting match as Tracy Cage has proven herself a talented wrestler as well as an actress. Even a leader asher debut match at Vanguard proved when she was leading her stunt doubles in the Conquest Chaos match. Tetsuo Oni IV has been on a bit of a downward slide of late, but I think she’s just been distracted as her friend Abigail has joined the dark side. Who will win this match? Nobody knows, but prolly Tracy Cage.

The sixth match of the evening…did I say sixth match and not main event? Damn we are getting some big shows going on here. Anyway. The sixth match of the evening will be Father Nathan O’Connell taking on Miguel Lanza Jr. Both men in this match have proven to be whipping boys of late, taking one L after another. Who will come out on top in this match? I mean one of the two just have to be able to get a win here, unless of course they fuck that simple task up and the match winds up a draw.

Now,we have the main event of the evening as Zolothach takes on Wicked Kat Hale for the 4WW Tempest championship. How many of you are certain that Morgan Decker is going to get involved in this match and help secure a Zolothach win without her knowing that he helped? I see everyone have their hands raised. This is obvious. Kat Hale hasthe skill to be able to defeat Zolothach, but with Morgan Decker involved…things get messy. I know he promised Zolothach thathe wasn’tgoing to interfere, but he is a liar and a thief. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I can throw him with my dick. I mean Zolothach could totally win without help, but Morgan isn’tthe kind of person to let that happen. So new champion coming!

And then War Zone will take us to the Ball Arena. Is this like a gay arena or something? Can an arena be gay? Ok, I’m being told to grow the fuck up as an arena doesn’t have sex. Well,not with THAT attitude it won’t.

We begin the War Zone with an interesting set up.Trelisa Perrault, newly of the nKo, is taking on Fank Windsor. Now, last I checked my man, Frank, was still in a wheelchair. They are making him get into the fucking ring anyway! What the fuck? There is a way out. If Frank is unsable to get into the ring, he isn’t, than Natalia Santiago apparently has a wrestling contract and can get into the ring in his stead. Valora is just jealous of Natalia and wants to punish her. Or is she trying to continue the nKo vs Bastards feud in any way that she can? I don’t know, but man…Frank…get better, man! The Bastards need you!

The second match on the card is a Wastelands Death Match featuring Gabriel Tuck against Eoin O’Rourke. Imagine having a grudge against Gabriel Tuck of all people. The guy who also couldn’t end Madd Morales for me. Well,this onesies going to get bloody as it takes a bunch of wicked matches, shakes, and serves over ice. Barbed wire ropes and a last man standing, but you can only start the winning when you claim the barbed wire coalminer’s glove matchoff of a pole in one corner. Absolutely brutal. Who will win? Certainly not the guys that will have to mop up the blood.

The third match promises to be even more bloody as Tarrasque takes on Steve Murdock for the 4WW Maelstrom championship! Idon’t evenknow what kind of match this is going to be as Steve Murdock gets to choose what kind of match he wants. I wonder what it will be? Basic or complicated bloodshed? Will Tarrasque be able to overcome whatever it is that Steve Murdock can come up with and will Jasmine Minton remain to be a factor in this match?

The fourth match of the night will be the returning D as he takes on Abigail Dresden. I would assume to teach her a lesson for the attack on him when hewas taking on her father in the ring, but one never knows what D is really thinking about anyway. Since Abigail seems to be inthe business of schooling old people, one might say that she will be ready to school D and show him that he should have remained in retirement limbo.

And then the fifth match as the Bastards,Eddie and Rob, take on Bad Company, Greg and Kronin, for the CWF tag team titles. This will be an adventure for a lifetime as the Bastards take back what is rightfully theirs in the form of the tag team titles. The Bastards are on a tear, working on getting gold back after claiming the 4WW Legion titles from the Upstarts. Go Bastards!

The sixth match is Karlie Nash getting her promised match against Monster Mammoth for the Valor title. This match…I don’t know about this match. Karlie has had one match so far in this company and she technically lost. Yes, she wasn’t actually pinned and shit, but in the end she was marked as a loser in the match and still gets a title shot. This being because Armand made a bargain wth Karlie basedon Vespertine defeating Elena Esposito. It’s good that Vespertine won and savedher friend, otherwise Karlie was going to be crippled. Now, canshe win against Monster Mammoth? I don’t know. I would imagine though that she isgoing to try her best to claimthe title fromthe nKo member.

The seventh and final match of the evening is another title shot as Kra Reinhardt takes on Madd Morales for the ELite championship. Now, Kara really isn’t into hardcore stuff, but she can throw down if needed.Boy,will she be needed in this match as she is taking on the nKo in this match. Madd is a great competitor on his own,but you can bet that he’s going to have the full might of the nKo behind him in this match to ensure that he can keep the championship. I fullyexpect this to be the craziest match of the night.

Now, that is all of the time that I have for ya. UNtil next time, this has been Sweet, sweet, Tommy Fucking Onions with Conquest Wrestling Federation. Hashtag Join the Conquest!